crying

sometimes i wanna cry
sometimes i wanna yell and howl until my lungs give out
sometimes i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders
that i live a meaningless existence
that i will forever stay in a monotonous existence
and the same thing will go on day after day
and i can see my future all laid out before me
and it is beautiful
and perfect
lit in the suburbs like something out of a dream
it scares me
and i feel like crying when i think of the perfection of it

sick and tired

I am sick and tired of this...this ridiculous need of dustins to always be right. I recognize that while I am not always right, would it be so hard for him to just lie and go along w/ it?
I mean... a lot of the times he is wrong, LIKE WAY WRONG...like out somewhere in left field...and i just let him win. because, i know that you just have to pick your battles...but i can honestly sometimes barely stand it, it is demeaning and hurtful, and i am so sick of feeling like i am somehow inferior to him. I feel like I take care of everything, organize everything, and just once i would like to be just a little surprised...well i cant say that he does surprise me sometimes. i just, i just wish that i could just win one once in a while...ya know what i mean?

hey fluff!!!

hey justin...
if you are listening it isnt letting me go to your page to comment on your blog...or even to see if you posted anything...its saying you havent allowed for people to look at your profile!
its kind of a pain
lol
anywayz... LOVE YOU MUCH!!

deleting myspace

i deleted my myspace because it was getting hacked into...it made me sad... :(
but yeah.... im sorry fluffy!!! ill miss our talks comment to comment...and this wont let me acess your blog for some reason...


anyway...has anyone ever felt like they were totally and utterly losing a battle...with themselves? i do... i feel like it doesnt matter how hard i try i might lose this, and it makes me sad, because i kinda like what i am doing. I think maybe I should say what my problem is exactly, but i cant...not on here. I think the best way to put it is that I do have a problem, I thought I had it under control for a while...but then last night I realized I didnt.
the thing about it is, Im okay with it. I want to stop, i know its disgusting, and its painful, but i like the results, and i like controlling the situation. sometimes people have ugly secrets, mine is that I wanted this...

so yeah work...

i hate work
i mean really.
i am sitting at work where my soul purpose is to make sure nobody gets past me without showing a damn id...yeah well i hate it
my butt hurts from sitting here, and kids are rude...
also, the smell of beer on the lips of the billions of fuckin drunk kids is killing me! i can smell them coming like a mile away...and its absolutely vomitotious....lol.
plus, people seem to think it is in fact my job to let them into the building because they are innebrated and forgot their keys/left them with their girl or boy of the hour/ lost them in their drunken stupidity... but really my job is to let them just stay out in the cold and shiver their drunk smelly asses off...
but out of the kindness of my heart, i decide to let them in...only to be told in a rather sarcastic manner that they were sorry for making me get off of my butt to do my job. well fuck them! im the only thing between them and some crazy ass getting into the building and killing them...but do they care? no! cuz they are a bunch of spoiled ass brats whose mommy and daddy are financing their own personal beerfest...
you can tell the kids who have some form of scholarship or loan and then there are the others, granted their may be a few exceptions, but odds are if their parents can afford to send them to a more expensive school than OSU, w/out any sort of loan or anything, then they are the ones rolling in drunk and crazy and smelly and making me nauseous and inevitably themselves!!!
why go out and get fucking shit-faced, if the next morning you are gonna throw it all up anyway...?
well yeah...end of rant i guess...lol.

when your lost

when the tears wont seem to come
when you have nothing left to say
when you love someone with all your heart
when they start to drift away
when you wonder the earth
looking for that person, and when hes finally found
everything from before is shattered
and your world is falling down
when your lost and he scoops you up
when one day he stops...
then what....?