why?

why is it that i care so much about the strange goings on of my surroundings? I do though...I care about so many things, even if they arent in my surroundings...things that are far away from me, even not associated with me and i care. I care that my boyfriend, who is like 100 miles from me is out getting plastered somewhere...which is fine, he can do what he wants, i care because i dont want him to die, and i care because i am not out doing the same thing. does that make me jealous? I dont think so...because it isnt jealousy i feel, its concern. why do i care that i am not getting drunk, i should be happy i am not out there putting myself in harm's way. but for some reason i care...
I care that maybe I am not ever going to be able to just let myself be free...I want to be free, i want too so bad...
And today Dustin calls me and he thinks that i am "growing away from him" or some shit like that, i am growing...but i still love him. Cant I grow as an individual without growing apart from everyone? I want to learn and grow as a person and i want so many things and i feel guilty for wanting these things.
I care about the thought that i may be going to Hell one day...the thought really scares me, that maybe my wanting these things when there are other people in the world who want and dont receive or who dont even dare to dream of these thing, is evil. sometimes i think that my dream of being a lawyer is unnrealistic and maybe unnachievable for me. I tell people all the time that it doesnt matter where you come from it is still possible to achieve your dream...that everyone in this life is destined for something...and sometimes i doubt it even myself.

fuck everything

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!
Cant i just have something? something private for the love of god...not that i expect this to be a private blog because i in no way expect that...but if i tell someone to NOT read this blog i expect them to respect my wishes and stay the fuck away! Yes Dustin I am talking to you. Give me this one place, this one little escape to vent all of my fucking feelings in the world that i wont tell you because i told you i would never hurt you, and yeah i do remember saying that...i do not say things to be intentionally hurting i say them to get them the FUCK out of my damn head so that maybe they wont just sit in my damn brain and puddle. i just want some damn solice.

so, yeah...

so yeah, i have come to grips that there are just some things in my life that i am never going to get. i am just not going to have them. i am never going to have a guy really and truly look at me like he is passionate about me and that i am his world. while i may hear that i am...i will never really and truly believe because i cant honestly say that i see it in his eyes. another thing i will never get is the chance to really just be a normal college kid...i just want to go to these parties and not feel guilty. i had never, up until last night, been to a party ever. so i go to this party and i feel guilty because i know that somewhere in the back of my mind is dustin and how maybe, just maybe, i might want to cheat on him....but really i dont, not at all, and the thought that maybe i do is just horrible. why should i feel guilty for going to a party without him when i KNOW he goes to parties and doesnt even think about my existence. He can say what he wants, but i know he doesnt. i dont get trashed, hell i barely gets buzzed and he is out getting fuckin obliterated. is it so wrong of me to want to just act like a kid for once in my life? to not want to be responsible for something...while i am responsible for my own actions...is it necessary for me to always feel like i have to answer to someone. I should not be the property of someone else. Sometimes i think the real reason dustin gave me this ring is so that he could brand me when i am at college. he might as well have just literally done it, because once a guy sees that ring, i might as well be a member of a leopar colony. which is okay because i dont want anyone else...but i still want to feel attractive...
I think seriously that i must be freakin hideous...that nobody really wants me and the only reason I am even with dustin is because i am like some kind of last resort. i must have done something wrong in a previous life and i have been stricken with this ugliness...it makes me a little sad...
my parents tell me i am beautiful and so does dustin, but are they just saying it cuz they have to? or is it really true...cuz i think in certain photos i am but other times i am not. its just kind of sad that while i am here and i am happier than i have ever been in my life i have guilty feelings and its just odd...