so, yeah...

so yeah, i have come to grips that there are just some things in my life that i am never going to get. i am just not going to have them. i am never going to have a guy really and truly look at me like he is passionate about me and that i am his world. while i may hear that i am...i will never really and truly believe because i cant honestly say that i see it in his eyes. another thing i will never get is the chance to really just be a normal college kid...i just want to go to these parties and not feel guilty. i had never, up until last night, been to a party ever. so i go to this party and i feel guilty because i know that somewhere in the back of my mind is dustin and how maybe, just maybe, i might want to cheat on him....but really i dont, not at all, and the thought that maybe i do is just horrible. why should i feel guilty for going to a party without him when i KNOW he goes to parties and doesnt even think about my existence. He can say what he wants, but i know he doesnt. i dont get trashed, hell i barely gets buzzed and he is out getting fuckin obliterated. is it so wrong of me to want to just act like a kid for once in my life? to not want to be responsible for something...while i am responsible for my own actions...is it necessary for me to always feel like i have to answer to someone. I should not be the property of someone else. Sometimes i think the real reason dustin gave me this ring is so that he could brand me when i am at college. he might as well have just literally done it, because once a guy sees that ring, i might as well be a member of a leopar colony. which is okay because i dont want anyone else...but i still want to feel attractive...
I think seriously that i must be freakin hideous...that nobody really wants me and the only reason I am even with dustin is because i am like some kind of last resort. i must have done something wrong in a previous life and i have been stricken with this ugliness...it makes me a little sad...
my parents tell me i am beautiful and so does dustin, but are they just saying it cuz they have to? or is it really true...cuz i think in certain photos i am but other times i am not. its just kind of sad that while i am here and i am happier than i have ever been in my life i have guilty feelings and its just odd...