just breath...

sometimes i get stressed...yeah...but then i breath. now you can take breathing to mean however you feel it should...this blog is my way of breathing so to speak. i breath in all of the bad and then i let it out, i use this as a way of letting it out. unfortunately i feel that you the reader, have no idea what i am like on a good day. more often than not, i am having a good day...i am cheerful, i love people, my friends and life in general. on an average day i love my boyfriend and savor everything, from the air on my face to the feeling of the floor on my barefeet. i dont think that you get to see this side of me, so i am introducing myself to you... in french maybe as i need to practice it very much so...
bonjour! je m'appelle stephanie. je suis americaine...je suis de mcarthur....je deteste le classe de francaise...
that means: hi! my name is stephanie, i am american, and i am from mcarthur. it also says i hate french class. lol.
hmmm....what else about me would you maybe like to know...i spend my mornings in class, and i spend my afternoons wishing i was asleep, but really doing homework...or slacking.
i have been told i am pretty, though i would prefer to not believe it because i do not think it is true and dont like to let blasphemous words into my ears. i am in love with my boyfriend...and am learning to love myself as well. i believe the media is perpetuating an unrealistic ideal of how they feel a woman's body should be. which is shit. i am not up for compromising my uterus in the name of some heated moment of stupidity with my boyfriend. and i support stem cell research, i am pro choice, and plan b should be available over the counter...guys shouldnt be making the decisions about what is right for the female body, women should. I am completely open minded, in case you havent guessed, and i believe that marriage should be about two people who love eachother very deeply and are willing to spend the rest of their lives with eachother, not about what gender they are. i do have religious beliefs, but i do not allow them to compromise my political beliefs, or the other way around if at all possible...
i love my friends, all of them. Fluffy is one of my best friends in the whole world, along with erkah, and my dear and beloved boo sadie (LOL)...i have many friends these are my bestest.
Friends are the most important part of life...next to my family.
My mom is my favorite person in the world...i love her very much and i would literally not exist if it wasnt for her, so she is pretty much the best person in the world...
welll that is all i have time for today, and i hope you all got a better glimpse into my life through this.

thought process

my thoughts deafen me
i cant even hear them
no real words
nothing distinguishable
but they crush my brain
my head imploding in on me
as the thoughts, so many, come crashing down
things fly
as i throw them...rage fills me
it hurts, the anger has no real purpose
i have no knowledge of where it came from
its just there...
it grinds in my chest
and sadness
i am alone in this big place
i can feel it in my finger tips...
i can feel the cold and think of when they were warm,
when someone was holding them
now those moments are few
i lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling
will i ever accomplish the high goals i set for myself?
and my toes are cold, longing for someone to wrap my legs around
they long to wrap around him...
and i still sit there...
i am alone, missing my mom
hungry for food that isnt bad..
for my mom to hold me in her bed
under the warm blankets...
security, she would tell me it will all be alright.
i miss my family...
my back quickly becomes sore so i move on to my bed
my homework is done, what to do
my distraction from my thoughts are gone...
and i am back to being deafened.