hmmm...

so, yeah, no comments in a while, its kinda sad actually.

christmas is coming up in a little bit, im done with classes, just finals left and i am done...exciting isnt it...i mean, i guess. whatever.

well, if anyone would freaking read this, i could talk about something, but no one is reading, and if they are, they arent saying anything and there are things i want to talk about, so its kinda annoying.

confessions..

so i have things to say...things about myself, that i dont think i am gonna really tell you right now, i dont think i am ready. but today is another small victory for me. i just felt the need to say that. i know you really dont understand it, or know why i am victorious, but its there...

just breath...

sometimes i get stressed...yeah...but then i breath. now you can take breathing to mean however you feel it should...this blog is my way of breathing so to speak. i breath in all of the bad and then i let it out, i use this as a way of letting it out. unfortunately i feel that you the reader, have no idea what i am like on a good day. more often than not, i am having a good day...i am cheerful, i love people, my friends and life in general. on an average day i love my boyfriend and savor everything, from the air on my face to the feeling of the floor on my barefeet. i dont think that you get to see this side of me, so i am introducing myself to you... in french maybe as i need to practice it very much so...
bonjour! je m'appelle stephanie. je suis americaine...je suis de mcarthur....je deteste le classe de francaise...
that means: hi! my name is stephanie, i am american, and i am from mcarthur. it also says i hate french class. lol.
hmmm....what else about me would you maybe like to know...i spend my mornings in class, and i spend my afternoons wishing i was asleep, but really doing homework...or slacking.
i have been told i am pretty, though i would prefer to not believe it because i do not think it is true and dont like to let blasphemous words into my ears. i am in love with my boyfriend...and am learning to love myself as well. i believe the media is perpetuating an unrealistic ideal of how they feel a woman's body should be. which is shit. i am not up for compromising my uterus in the name of some heated moment of stupidity with my boyfriend. and i support stem cell research, i am pro choice, and plan b should be available over the counter...guys shouldnt be making the decisions about what is right for the female body, women should. I am completely open minded, in case you havent guessed, and i believe that marriage should be about two people who love eachother very deeply and are willing to spend the rest of their lives with eachother, not about what gender they are. i do have religious beliefs, but i do not allow them to compromise my political beliefs, or the other way around if at all possible...
i love my friends, all of them. Fluffy is one of my best friends in the whole world, along with erkah, and my dear and beloved boo sadie (LOL)...i have many friends these are my bestest.
Friends are the most important part of life...next to my family.
My mom is my favorite person in the world...i love her very much and i would literally not exist if it wasnt for her, so she is pretty much the best person in the world...
welll that is all i have time for today, and i hope you all got a better glimpse into my life through this.

thought process

my thoughts deafen me
i cant even hear them
no real words
nothing distinguishable
but they crush my brain
my head imploding in on me
as the thoughts, so many, come crashing down
things fly
as i throw them...rage fills me
it hurts, the anger has no real purpose
i have no knowledge of where it came from
its just there...
it grinds in my chest
and sadness
i am alone in this big place
i can feel it in my finger tips...
i can feel the cold and think of when they were warm,
when someone was holding them
now those moments are few
i lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling
will i ever accomplish the high goals i set for myself?
and my toes are cold, longing for someone to wrap my legs around
they long to wrap around him...
and i still sit there...
i am alone, missing my mom
hungry for food that isnt bad..
for my mom to hold me in her bed
under the warm blankets...
security, she would tell me it will all be alright.
i miss my family...
my back quickly becomes sore so i move on to my bed
my homework is done, what to do
my distraction from my thoughts are gone...
and i am back to being deafened.

why?

why is it that i care so much about the strange goings on of my surroundings? I do though...I care about so many things, even if they arent in my surroundings...things that are far away from me, even not associated with me and i care. I care that my boyfriend, who is like 100 miles from me is out getting plastered somewhere...which is fine, he can do what he wants, i care because i dont want him to die, and i care because i am not out doing the same thing. does that make me jealous? I dont think so...because it isnt jealousy i feel, its concern. why do i care that i am not getting drunk, i should be happy i am not out there putting myself in harm's way. but for some reason i care...
I care that maybe I am not ever going to be able to just let myself be free...I want to be free, i want too so bad...
And today Dustin calls me and he thinks that i am "growing away from him" or some shit like that, i am growing...but i still love him. Cant I grow as an individual without growing apart from everyone? I want to learn and grow as a person and i want so many things and i feel guilty for wanting these things.
I care about the thought that i may be going to Hell one day...the thought really scares me, that maybe my wanting these things when there are other people in the world who want and dont receive or who dont even dare to dream of these thing, is evil. sometimes i think that my dream of being a lawyer is unnrealistic and maybe unnachievable for me. I tell people all the time that it doesnt matter where you come from it is still possible to achieve your dream...that everyone in this life is destined for something...and sometimes i doubt it even myself.

fuck everything

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!
Cant i just have something? something private for the love of god...not that i expect this to be a private blog because i in no way expect that...but if i tell someone to NOT read this blog i expect them to respect my wishes and stay the fuck away! Yes Dustin I am talking to you. Give me this one place, this one little escape to vent all of my fucking feelings in the world that i wont tell you because i told you i would never hurt you, and yeah i do remember saying that...i do not say things to be intentionally hurting i say them to get them the FUCK out of my damn head so that maybe they wont just sit in my damn brain and puddle. i just want some damn solice.

so, yeah...

so yeah, i have come to grips that there are just some things in my life that i am never going to get. i am just not going to have them. i am never going to have a guy really and truly look at me like he is passionate about me and that i am his world. while i may hear that i am...i will never really and truly believe because i cant honestly say that i see it in his eyes. another thing i will never get is the chance to really just be a normal college kid...i just want to go to these parties and not feel guilty. i had never, up until last night, been to a party ever. so i go to this party and i feel guilty because i know that somewhere in the back of my mind is dustin and how maybe, just maybe, i might want to cheat on him....but really i dont, not at all, and the thought that maybe i do is just horrible. why should i feel guilty for going to a party without him when i KNOW he goes to parties and doesnt even think about my existence. He can say what he wants, but i know he doesnt. i dont get trashed, hell i barely gets buzzed and he is out getting fuckin obliterated. is it so wrong of me to want to just act like a kid for once in my life? to not want to be responsible for something...while i am responsible for my own actions...is it necessary for me to always feel like i have to answer to someone. I should not be the property of someone else. Sometimes i think the real reason dustin gave me this ring is so that he could brand me when i am at college. he might as well have just literally done it, because once a guy sees that ring, i might as well be a member of a leopar colony. which is okay because i dont want anyone else...but i still want to feel attractive...
I think seriously that i must be freakin hideous...that nobody really wants me and the only reason I am even with dustin is because i am like some kind of last resort. i must have done something wrong in a previous life and i have been stricken with this ugliness...it makes me a little sad...
my parents tell me i am beautiful and so does dustin, but are they just saying it cuz they have to? or is it really true...cuz i think in certain photos i am but other times i am not. its just kind of sad that while i am here and i am happier than i have ever been in my life i have guilty feelings and its just odd...

d'ya ever?

have you ever waken up in the morning and just had a feeling...not necessarily a good one, or even a bad one...just a feeling. i wake up with that feeling all the time, that someting is maybe just a little, off. like maybe i'll be a little puffier than normal, or maybe i will just want to cry, or maybe i want to eat my weight in chocolate. today was one of those days when eerything felt a little off kilter to me. i felt as if maybe nothing was at all right, maybe the world was a little off...no particular reason why. i had a good day, not too fat, not too tired, the world didnt explode, i didnt even eat any chocolate....well maybe a chocolate chip cookie from subway, but it was burned so it doesnt count ;). so what is the problem? no ideas...just felt like telling that to everyone.
but thats not all folks....
i want to scream, i want to shout i want to yell at the top of my lungs that i am as confused as a lost puppy. i have no idea what is going on with my life and i feel like i have no control of anything, nothing!!!! not my body, not my mind and certainly not my heart...what the hell? i am torn to peices and i feel like i have a brick on my chest sometimes...i am just overwhelmed!!! i do everything, and sometimes it gets to me a little. the thought of school stresses me out...a lot! i am pumped about it, really but right when i think i have a good grasp on the situation there is something else getting thrown at me about how difficult its gonna be...and how long i am going to be there..and "wont you miss me?" and i just cant take it anymore....i mean yeah i will miss all of my friends yeah...but i need out!!! why does nobody get that? i need to breath i need to grow. i need to see for myself that i am not a failure at life that i can make it on my own. that if i want something bad enough i can make it happen. sometimes i doubt myself, everyone does!! but i am not going to be made to feel guilty about pursuing my dreams, even if they interfere with my present situation. love is limited. i believe that people fall out of love, that eventually you will get your heart broken and that my education is really the only thing i can control...i can set my mind to it and MAKE IT WORK. I can become who i want to be and i can absorb everything like a sponge, if i get a low grade i can make it better. but if i get my heart broken, i cant fix it...i cant make it better. i may not be able to make a relationship work...but i am in charge of my destiny...

GROWLING

nothing to say except that i am angry as a wet hornet! my stomach hurts...i think i have food poisoning and that i will soon die. if anyone of you cared about my soon demise you would boycott the Golden Corrall for a while...or at least unitl you are hungry again, becuz i feel like shit and i know that as my dear and beloved readers you know exactly how i feel and you would want to help me right? so when it comes to the Golden Corrall...or as the bane of my existence as i owuld like to refer to it...just say no!!!

much ♥
Stephanie

pouring out my heart...

well, to my avid reader(s), today will be a day of total truth for me. i feel the need to just get a lot of things off of my back.

i love someone....dont know why cant explain how it happened, but ya know what can ya do? unfortunately, this warps my entire plan of how i should be going about my life. i want so much to just be able to drop it all and say: "hey, i am going to college" and leave him behind and not care about what happens...but i cant and i know that now. going to college has been the plan for many years and i am soo excied to go...but a part of me will miss him. i cant help but t think that he will cheat on me or something while i am not here. and the fact that i care would be my problem and main concern! there are so many emotions in me that i just want to let out right now. i want to scream and i want to cry and i want to laugh, and i cant do any of them. i cant sit here and tell you that its okay, that i will be fine when i am away at college. i am a little scared, but isnt everyone? i mean i am doing exactly what i set out to do. i wanted to get away from everyone here, everyone who hurt me. i wanted to get away from all the bad memories and make good ones...i never counted on making memories right before i left. i was virtually alone for the better part of four years...there was no reason to think it would change...and then it did. something else came into my life...i suddenly have an amazing best friend and i get this amazing guy who loves me with all of his heart, and fluffly who totally gets me for me. and i am leaving it. i want to say that we will all be friends still anyway, but is it really possible? i hope so. i dont think i can handle the thought of losing everything.
i also wanted to tell you that as of recently i have took up the hobby of trying to find my precious and most beloved notebook. i stopped writing in it a year ago or so, and hid it...and now i have no idea where in the hell i put it? that journal contains almost all of my deepest and most passionate thoughts and it means the world to me and i would give anything to find it...

nothing much to say

i have to leave for work in approximaely seven minutes so i am making this short.

i had a dream last night, i find it slightly amusing, so i guess i could tell all of my readers about it...okay well the 2 that i know of.
so i dreamt that i was on my way to prom, well to get my hair done for it. and a bunch of people came over to my house they wanted to get theirs done too so we were all going together...it was really random. well we stopped off at this carnival and amazingly enough, something stupid happened!!!! one of the guys, who i do know who it was but im not telling, picked me up and i know he was being playful, but i got slammed into an electric line...i am telling you talk about wild!!! besides the fact that i was being electrocuted, i could only think about missing my hair appointment!!!! lol...true reflection of life i guess...and p.s. getting electrocuted hurts like a mother fucker, and whats worse is they all felt guilty about it so they stayed with me and we had to watch the davinci code!!! which was a really sucky movie...i didnt enjoy it at all.
LOL
well g2g, i totally bonged like 2 smirnoffs last night and my head hurts like a mother fucker, so i want to take ibuprofen before i have to go!!!
much love!!!!

gee-gats!!!

what the fuck am i supposed to say here!!!??? i have no fuckin idea of what in the hell to say about my life at the moment i meant really....
so i go over to dustin's house, i can say his name n ow becuz i know he reads this...even though he didnt ask!!!
i went over there like last week, and i was just going to go, explain i felt nothing for him, and walk out...which is what should have happened that would be the fucking plan!!!! why can i ever just follow through with the plan...long story short- i left feeling even more confused than when i got there in the first place!! what the fuck people!? i had a strange urge to run my car into a tree...if only to see what the end result would be!! it wasnt like suicide or anything...i just wanted to see if the car could handle a head on collision with the tree...lol!!! but obviously i didnt do that!
anyways....
i am so brain-fucked right now that i have no idea what to do with myself....
sometimes i feel like i luv this guy, and considering hes a really great guy, well usually, then that'd be fine. i feel like maybe i could just let myself be happy and go with it...and then other times i just cant let myself fall for him. i would never really be able to love him with my whole heart becuz i dont really have it all there anymore. and thats okay i have no regrets of any previous relationship...i only have appy memories...i think for me it just ended so swiftly that i was caught off guard and it tore my soul out. there are just some things i can not get back and that part of my heart was his...and he tore it out and stomped on it in front of me.
what i am trying to say is that i am a confused little girl who doesnt know what in the hell she wants!!!!
GEE GATS!!!

lost...a question?

so, lets see....today i am going to write to you about something completely private....ummm no scratch that, i wont.

instead i will pose to you a question about something...

how do you get out of a relationship that you dont want to be in...i meant if it is only physical for one of us (thats me) and the other is totally in love (thats him) is it really fair?

i mean i have tried to explain that i just dont feel it in my sould, when i kiss him its only in my lips that it is felt!!!!

much help please!!!