pouring out my heart...

well, to my avid reader(s), today will be a day of total truth for me. i feel the need to just get a lot of things off of my back.

i love someone....dont know why cant explain how it happened, but ya know what can ya do? unfortunately, this warps my entire plan of how i should be going about my life. i want so much to just be able to drop it all and say: "hey, i am going to college" and leave him behind and not care about what happens...but i cant and i know that now. going to college has been the plan for many years and i am soo excied to go...but a part of me will miss him. i cant help but t think that he will cheat on me or something while i am not here. and the fact that i care would be my problem and main concern! there are so many emotions in me that i just want to let out right now. i want to scream and i want to cry and i want to laugh, and i cant do any of them. i cant sit here and tell you that its okay, that i will be fine when i am away at college. i am a little scared, but isnt everyone? i mean i am doing exactly what i set out to do. i wanted to get away from everyone here, everyone who hurt me. i wanted to get away from all the bad memories and make good ones...i never counted on making memories right before i left. i was virtually alone for the better part of four years...there was no reason to think it would change...and then it did. something else came into my life...i suddenly have an amazing best friend and i get this amazing guy who loves me with all of his heart, and fluffly who totally gets me for me. and i am leaving it. i want to say that we will all be friends still anyway, but is it really possible? i hope so. i dont think i can handle the thought of losing everything.
i also wanted to tell you that as of recently i have took up the hobby of trying to find my precious and most beloved notebook. i stopped writing in it a year ago or so, and hid it...and now i have no idea where in the hell i put it? that journal contains almost all of my deepest and most passionate thoughts and it means the world to me and i would give anything to find it...